I Found My Thrill On Blueberry Hill

Blueberry pie has to be one of the best offerings of summer. I also stumbled upon the most delectable pie crust I have possibly ever made, in my ENTIRE LIFE. And that's a lot of pie crust. If you stick with me, you will even get to see video of real, actual bubbling pie fresh out of the oven. You think I'm joking!

The trouble with most fruit pies is that they get runny. Sugar + fruit + heat = major leakiness issues. That slice of cherry pie you get at Denny's that is all perfectly congealed is not natural, there are major thickeners employed there. The pie baker is always trying to find the perfect thickener and I tried tapioca for the first time with this pie. Major success!

Let's start with this magical crust. I have talked in the past about using shortening AND butter because they have different melting points and make for a flakier, yet malleable, crust. However, I have always used an equal ratio. This time I went with 6 ounces butter, 2 ounces shortening and it ROCKED:

2 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/8 tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. sugar or Splenda
6 ounces butter
2 ounces shortening
an 8 oz. glass of ice water with 1 Tbsp. vinegar stirred in (of this, you'll probably use about 5-8 Tbsp. of vinegar-water total)

Combine dry ingredients in Kitchenaid mixer, toss together. Cut in 1/2 of butter/shortening, mix for about 15 to 30 seconds, then add the rest of the butter and shortening. Continue to mix until crust is the size of peas and looks cornmealy. Remove bowl from mixer and drizzle 1 Tbsp of water at a time around the edge of the bowl and cut in with a fork or pastry cutter. Continue until the crust barely sticks together. Don't add too much water! Turn the crust onto a piece of plastic wrap and bring up the edges to smoosh it into a pattie. Divide into 2 patties, wrap tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate about 30 minutes.

This is the pie crust pattie before it gets rolled. After you make the crust and refrigerate it, you'll need to let it warm up for about 10 minutes before rolling. When it is ready to roll is just something that takes practice in determining, sorry. I like to use a double layer of plastic wrap to prevent sticking, plus I can check if my diameter is good on my handy-dandy pastry board.



Rolling is such an art that I'll cover it in an upcoming post. Just try to push harder at the center and feather out as you get to the edges. Once I get the diameter right, I like to trim the edges with a pizza cutter or knife to create a perfect circle (gratuitous perfect circle ref!). Oh and I know that's not a perfect circle, just humor me for once, okay?



Gently roll the crust onto your rolling pin and lay it into your greased pie pan, like so. Do NOT stretch to fit, actually lift it up and set it in there, even if there are wrinkles, no one will see it. If you stretch it like a drum head, it will shrink as it bakes and you will be a sad baby. Refrigerate while you prep your berries. Oh, and get your top crust out so it can warm up and get ready for rolling.



Next you'll need to wash your delectable blueberries. Just rinse them in a colander and pick off any stray stems you find, toss any squishy or questionable looking berries, and try not to eat too many. You're making a pie, remember?



Combine your filling ingredients:

4 cups blueberries
1/4 cup Minute tapioca
3/4 cup sugar or Splenda
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
1/8 tsp. cinnamon

and place into your bottom crust. Dot with about 1 Tbsp. of butter.



Now you want to roll and cut your top crust. Any kind of top crust will work, or none at all, but I chose to do a wacky layered shapes top. Very easy, just roll like the bottom crust, then use your pizza cutter to cut shapes to lay on top.



Now is the fun part! What, you weren't having fun already? For shame. Lay out your shapes in any pattern you'd like, just make sure to leave some gaps for steam to escape. Then combine 1 egg and 1 Tbsp. milk and brush on with a pastry brush.



Sprinkle on some sugar, cover the edges with aluminum foil to protect them from burning, and bake in a preheated 400-degree oven for 45 to 50 minutes or until juices form bubbles that burst slowly. Then cool and enjoy!



Congratulations! You survived all the way to the end of my horrendously wordy pie post, and here is your reward:

Hand-Powered Milk Frother: The $20 Crack Maker

What if I told you there was a gadget so simple, so efficient, and so cheap that you could produce the liquid equivalent of crack, from simple nonfat milk, and it only cost $19.95? You'd probably call me a crack smoker, and that would be okay because I wouldn't have believed this either.

I have been using my Mukka Express stovetop maker to make cappuccinos and the frothed milk is really hit or miss. Like I said in this post, it's mysterious and temperamental so I never know if I'm going to get the perfect cup, or the cup that seems like a blind, narcoleptic, apathetic barista made it.

Williams-Sonoma had several different milk frothers, most of them electric whisks that you dunk into your cup of milk. I am loathe to purchase ONE MORE plug-in appliance for my kitchen; there simply isn't room and all those cords everywhere look ugly. So it was love at first sight when my gaze fell upon the Bonjour Caffe Froth hand-pump milk frother. So simple, so unobtrusive, so uncorded. I'll take it!

I wasn't expecting much. Part of me was worried that because it wasn't motorized, it wouldn't give me good volume. All you do is pour nonfat (nonfat works best, bonus!) milk up to the line on the side, drop the plunger in, and give it 20 hard pumps. I mean really think of something that pisses you off, it works better if you beat the hell out of it. Give the frother 2 or 3 gentle taps on the counter, let the milk settle for a few moments, and voila, unfuckingbelievable foam.

These videos are from 12seconds.tv, a fantastic new site that lets you create 12-second movies. Watch step-by-step as I turn ordinary, garden-variety nonfat milk into PURE GOLD!


The milk, it is flat and flavorless on 12seconds.tv


The milk, I'm beating the crap out of it on 12seconds.tv


Fluffy Clouds of Frothiness on 12seconds.tv

It has the consistency of homemade whipped cream only it's, um, completely nonfat and only 80 calories. I also add a dash of sugar-free vanilla syrup in there to really take it to another level. It is impossible to comprehend that boring old nonfat milk turns into THIS, just with a few pumps. The first day we brought it home I think I made 3 or 4 batches in a row and almost made myself crack sick. So take it slow and savor a batch and oh, drink the coffee that you are supposed to be pouring it on as well. Most of my batches don't make it that far.

Shag Rug

Behold, I have created a mixed drink, and it is GOOOOOOD.



I was playing around on Drinksmixer, basically entering a few key ingredients that I have in the house and saying 'okay, tell me what I can make.' One of the recipes with amaretto sounded good, but I didn't have any OJ, so I decided to improvise. I never have any OJ. Do you know HOW many recipes call for OJ? Yet I am steadfast in my refusal to buy OJ. I am not caving on this. Amazingly, even OJ-less, I created something totally kick ass.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you, the Shag Rug. I'm calling it a Shag Rug because amaretto always reminds me of the '70s, wood paneling, and shag carpet. Oh, and you'll probably be face down on the rug by the time you finish a few of these. So here ya go:

3 oz amaretto
2 oz coconut rum
1 oz white rum
3 to 6 oz pineapple chunks/juice
2 oz coconut milk
1 oz triple sec
2 scoops ice

Pour it all in a blender and mixify until smooth. This is enough for 2-3 drinks, or 1 Big-Gulp sized drink.

Yes, there is a LOT of booze in this, but you won't be able to taste it and will get quite smashed without any hardship. Yes, it's a good thing.

Absinthe: Liquor's Version of More Cowbell

During our exciting 4th of July getaway to the cabin, we stopped in at the general store. The one that had THAT poster out front. The store is tiny but always carries a mind-boggling collection of booze. I don't know if people that live in the sticks cultivate a seasoned palate for liquor because there is nothing better to do, or if there is just one inquisitive guy who happens to be the supplier. Whatever the case, it is always a cornucopia of weird bottles of alcohol we attempt to talk ourselves out of trying. So on this last trip I see a bottle of absinthe. The following discussion ensues:

Me: Wow, I can't believe they have absinthe up here!

H: What's absinthe and why is it strange it would be up here?

Me: Absinthe! You remember, La Boheme? Moulin Rouge? The green fairy? It's been banned in America for a million years (okay, turns out only since 1912) because it caused people to hallucinate and lose their minds or something.

H: Fucking awesome, lets buy a bottle when we get back home.

Cut to next day, back in town, can't find absinthe ... anywhere. Upon googling, I discover a hysterical blog review of different absinthes at the Laist and a society devoted just to absinthe and drinking it. I also learn that there is no legal definition for absinthe. You can pour vodka in a bottle, mix in some green food coloring, and call it absinthe. Turns out the absinthe at the cabin was this variety. It's not like gin or whiskey where it has to meet some qualifications. So now not only do we want absinthe, but we want moderately not sucky absinthe, and there isn't a bottle to be had anywhere. Finally I found a Bevmo that was only 30 minutes away that had some decent absinthe. Praise God we were gonna get to hallucinate!

St. George is a well-rated brand of absinthe, among 'experts.' The average joe doesn't necessarily like the taste of it but guess what, absinthe is an acquired taste, punks. Who would have a tasting party for absinthe, invite a bunch of absinthe virgins and then tally their votes? I'm only interested in whether it tastes similar to what unwashed philosophers 100 years ago were drinking, not whether it goes well with my smoked salmon or is something nice to sip while I blog. So I completely dismissed the 'popular' vote (how unbohemian of me!) and went with what the experts liked.

The St. George bottle is perfection. The label features a monkey banging on a cowbell with what appears to be a bone. Sound strange? Just great marketing? Ominous portent of what is in store for you once you crack that motha open? Whatever it is, it looks great.



Interesting absinthe fact: You can drink it straight, if you are INSANE. It is 60% alcohol, or 120 proof, and it tastes strongly (I can't emphasize this strongly enough) of anise, or black licorice. Black licorice and lighter fluid. If you like that sort of thing, be my guest and have a shot. If not, read further. In the picture below is the entire amount we diluted with water to make the finished drink, 1 single ounce shot.



The most common way to drink it is to dissolve sugar cubes into it by pouring cold water over them and into the glass. They make slotted spoons specifically designed to hold the sugar over the glass that are quite beautiful. The clear absinthe turns milky and becomes somewhat less lighter fluidy. Even with several sugar cubes (okay, 7) and a lot of water, I could barely get down a sip. My husband, however, discovered that mixing in something acidic like lemon juice or lemon water, really cuts the licorice taste and makes it quite palatable (his descriptive, not mine).



if you really want to try absinthe, another suggestion would be to start with something easier and then switch to absinthe once you are a bit loosened up. It might taste better. Oh and I never saw my perky green fairy. Where the hell is my god-damn Kylie Minogue I was promised?! Also, sadly, I didn't suddenly become artistically profound yet simultaneously indignant re: the bourgeoisie.

Lattice-Crust Apple Pie, Ya'All!

Well another 4th of July came and went so I thought I'd do a post about good old-fashioned apple pie. I learned to make pie a few years ago and my #1 top-requested pie is apple. I'll get into some tricks for homemade crust in a later post, I just wanted to discuss some different options for topping your apple pie. I keep typing 'applie' instead of applie (hah! just did it again, not fixing it for proof's sake).

You have 3 basic options for enveloping apples and baking them into pie form, roughly speaking they are:

• The most basic crust option is a simple double-crust with slits cut in the top. Always remember to create slits in your top crust or you will have an incredible mess to clean up inside your oven.
• Second is crumb crust. This is actually easier than a double crust because you only have to roll out the bottom layer and that doesn't need to look cosmetically pretty in the slightest. A crumb crust of sugar/flour/butter is easy to whip together and you just sprinkle it on. I recommend this option for rookie pie makers.
• Third is lattice. Lattice crust will make you quake in your boots because it is tricky to get the strips on and not break during the assembly process, which involves peeling them back and forth a few times. But it looks fabulous so go for it if you feel lucky.

I like to use a 50/50 mixture of butter and shortening in my crust, the 2 fats have different melting points and you get the flaky yumminess of butter with the stability of shortening. The crust pictured was made with all-butter though, which is extra-delicious but a bit more delicate to handle.

Here is my pie before the edges are fluted or I've applied the milk wash and sugar sprinkles. You can see some chunks of butter peeking out of the lattice:



Apply a light brushing of milk and follow it with some chunky sugar sprinkled on top. I used 'natural' sugar or some such thing, the grains are just a smidge larger than regular old sugar.



Next you need to put some protection on that pie you just spent hours slaving over. Your fluted edges are very thin and will burn if you don't cover them. I use a preformed aluminum (aluminium if you're British :) ring but you can always just make a ring yourself out of aluminum foil or lay a sheet of aluminum foil over the entire pie and take it off a few minutes before you take it out of the oven so the top gets brown.



It is rather complicated to explain the actual lattice weaving process, so I found a great link that sums it all up nicely (with great photos too!). I like to use a pizza cutter to cut my strips. Basically you want to lay down half your strips, peel alternating strips back to the midline, then starting at the middle, lay down your first row of opposing lattice. Then go back and lay down the turned up stripes, and peel back the previously laid-down ones. Repeat with another opposing row. And so on until you reach one end. Then start in the middle and work your way to the other edge. You can also use one of these crust stencils but it won't have nearly the same effect.